For Now
by P. Fishies
Summary: Nothing Lasts. Life goes on. Is it possible to make something as good as Yuki Sohma actually caring about me last more than a little while? Oneshot. YukixxMachi. Inspired by and based on the closing song from the Broadway Musical Avenue Q.


**Disclaimer**: I DO NOT own Fruits Basket. I wanted to own the world, but I got distracted by something that sparkled.

**A/N:** Hey all, I'm baack! As in the OTHER P.Fishie.I just had a random inspiration (ain't most writing like that?) and I thought "I'm SO writing this down!". So I stayed up until like 12 a.m. writing this for you all. That's right. Feel special. Enjoy!

* * *

I heard once sometime, somewhere along the line that nothing lasts in life, that everything in life is only for now. 

In this statement I find two sides. The good side conveyed in this message is that no matter how dark life becomes, the sun will always come out again. The darkness of night on earth never lasts forever, and nor will the darkness in life. No matter how hard it is to imagine arriving at tomorrow, tomorrow always comes anyway, bringing a new sunrise, a new start, and a new opportunity for life to set itself straight.

This tends to be the only message most people get out of this statement. Because the world tells us to be happy, to look at the bright side of life, we typically ignore the other way this statement can be taken. The fact is that life isn't perfect, nor is it very fair. While the bad stuff isn't meant to last forever, nor is the good. There is no birthday party that lasts more than a day or two; there is no second Christmas in July when people start craving the spirit of the season. We have good days in our lives that make us smile, then we're quickly faced with bad ones that have come altogether too soon. We find ourselves going through great lengths to keep ourselves happy for as long as possible, even though we know in the end it will fade to more darkness. Each little smile we surrender to only lasts so long, and we are then faced with the indefinite wait for whenever the next one will come.

Even the things we _think_ make us happy only stay around for a little while. People will fuss with their hair style and hair color even when no matter what they do to it, they will still watch it turn gray or fall out altogether. Teens will spend hours finding the perfect shirt or pair of pants for a party or for school, when they will still either grow out of it or eventually throw it out. Men will twist arms and legs to make a super bowl party or a poker night with the guys, but they will still come home to the same house, the same life as if the good time never happened. Things like hair, clothes, images, and parties are all only for now. Pastimes like reading, watching ball games, nights out with friends are only for now. Employment is only for now. Friends will change, even family won't last forever. Life will wither away, happiness will fade in and out of focus, even vows of true love have been proven only to last a little while. For that matter, save for death, paying taxes, and the bipolar pursuit of true happiness, there is nothing in life that lasts.

So for now we'll accept that which we can't avoid, take a deep breath, look around us, and swallow our pride as we reach for a way, a resolution, that will bring us to the end of life saying, "I lived on that hell-of-an-earth as best I possibly could". Beyond that, there is no reachable goal. We live, we learn, we move on. From the bad, and the good.

* * *

He had given me a leaf. 

As I gazed at the sorry thing, lost from its tree and unsure of how to continue now that its lifeline had been stripped of it, I wondered quietly what on earth had compelled him to pick it up, to keep it safe until he returned to the school, to hold it up to me, just as it had fallen off the tree, to present it to me as a gift. I had told him not to get me anything partially because I had no idea why he would ever bother over me, and partially because I couldn't possibly let him go to the trouble, no matter how little trouble he insisted it was. But they had been raining down on the path, he said, like summer rain. As if it were such a natural thing to envision. Maybe it just wasn't for me.

What puzzled me even more than the fact that Yuki Sohma would even _consider_ me, Machi Kuragi, among his list of people to gift with souvenirs from the class trip was the look in his eye as he told us (that is, the student council) about said trip. As I had gazed at the brilliant color red the leaf was displaying, he had explained how the leaves had sort of showered the class as they walked by. His eyes had lit up, his entire face seemed to lighten as his voice grew somewhat distant. I didn't need to know what this sudden light in his expression had been.

Just who had put it on his face.

* * *

Tohru Honda was a dainty, sugar-coated ball of nerved who could make anyone smile within instants of meeting her. She certainly amused me. When she first introduced herself, I remember thinking how different she was, how she chose her words so carefully and yet still spoke her mind constantly. She was the kind of girl who saw only the good side of "everything in life is only for now". She was the kind of girl who would not even consider seeing the fact that this meant good things didn't last either, but rather would stubbornly continue to interpret it as a way to clear cloudy days in life. She took very necessary steps towards what she was convinced was true bliss, and believed with a passion in everything that she did. 

In other words, she was perfect for Yuki.

She encouraged him, I realized as I observed her influence on him. Tohru inspired Yuki in her own quiet way; without knowing or realizing the profound impact she really did have on him. It was Tohru's charisma and spirit and hot passion for life that truly worked magic on Yuki. He went from quiet and passive to confident and even somewhat assertive-- when he wanted to be. He took charge of student council little by little, accurately citing in his opinion what worked for our benefit and what didn't. I watched him with her, watched the way his face and voice lit up around her, watched how kindly he talked to her, how much care he took in telling her how the flowers in the garden had turned out so pretty this year, how he enjoyed a snack she had made for him. I watched his smile fill his face and his huge purple eyes sparkle at her, as if he wanted nothing more than to share that moment with her forever.

I'll say right now that I have always liked Tohru Honda. She went beyond my expectation or a friend's obligations, making absolute sure she got me to smile at her at least once every time she ran into me. She'd beam at me and ask me how I've been, if I'd seen the school's flower garden, and how student council had been. She'd compliment my necklace, my bracelet, my hair, then babble a little bit when I asked her, amused, how she had been since our last conversation. She'd giggle, then, when she realized how silly she sounded when she rambled, then add sheepishly how wonderful it was to talk to me and how if I ever wanted to talk to her, she was always around, before waving cheerfully at me and bouncing off to class.

But I watched her quietly for the longest time: watched her quietly and consistently change Yuki Sohma for the better. From the inside out, a brighter, sweeter-than-ever Yuki emerged from only appearing during his conversations with her to handing me a rose one day as what he called a reminder of spring for when the winter came.

I watched her quietly, accidentally make Yuki fall in love with her, and silently, agonizingly wondered how on this green earth she did it.

* * *

I took another sip of my soda and watched with mild amusement as Manabe dragged Nao onto the small stage at the head of the room. The student council had managed to rent a space with a huge karaoke machine and a fully-stacked (though stacked with soda) bar at a local night club open to teenagers for a group end-of-the-year party. The student council for that year had gathered for a night of eating, dancing, and taking turns forcing each other to sing. Manabe had pulled all sorts of strings to make tonight as wild and downright outrageous as he saw fit, including throwing together literally hundreds of karaoke tracks, many being songs to American family movies. Currently, Manabe was trying to convince Nao to sing an old favorite, "Under the Sea" as a duet. 

I fiddled with the metal tab on my soda can and let a small smile slip as Nao tried to sing along with the words being highlighted progressively on the karaoke screen, all the while the accented voice in the background sang smoothly. Everyone was laughing as Manabe started to dance, dancing along with him on the dance floor, but I, like always, preferred to watch.

Like many nights when I preferred to sit out on others' fun, my thoughts drifted to why I wasn't different. Why I preferred to watch this kind of thing rather than participate. Why others preferred to dive into this kind of party while I found trouble consenting to attend. Then my thoughts drifted to him...

He had chosen to sit off to the side, too, and from the looks of things he was mildly amused by the goings-on keeping the room entertained. The rest of the council was having a grand time, taking turns working out their energy singing silly songs on stage, spending the rest of the time talking, dancing. Yuki might have allowed himself to be swept into it by now, I thought, watching him sigh and gaze at his soda. But something was wrong tonight. Something was different. Something had changed.

Something with her.

My attention turned back to the stage as Nao's three minutes in the colorful spotlights more or less ended. That is, the song finished. Another song was playing now, and I felt a bit sheepish to realize it was a song about heartbreak: a soft rock piece with a moderate tempo and many instruments but sad lyrics. Manabe lept in to fill the entire limelight once again as Nao left the stage, and several people cheered the song before moving again to their respective groups to dance. I glanced back up the row at Yuki to realize he had disappeared. I felt soft frabric brush against me, then, and watched the neon lights reflect off of sweeping gray locks as they fluttered past me towards the door. I caught a glimpse of his lavender eyes, preparing me for the soft sadness weighing his voice as he murmured, "Excuse me".

My heart twisted in pain at the broken words as he headed swiftly towards the door, wishing desperately that I didn't care so much. I would ignore it, I decided. It would be better for me for once not to spend my night thinking about what I could, but would never do to earn his attention. I took a sip of my soda and tried hard to forget the incredible sadness I had seen plaguing his eyes.

I didn't care, I told myself.

But, of course, my memory had to take control when my consciousness of the present actually obeyed me. Once again I saw those huge lavender eyes, sparkling at me as that pale hand handed me one of the last healthy roses of the season. My senses were swimming in the smell of the sweet crimson petals, the glittering of those soft eyes, the kind words he had said only to me. "For you, Machi. A rose to remember the season."

I shook my head violently. I didn't care. I didn't care about Yuki. I didn't care, I didn't care...

Those sparkling pupils were still gazing at me from that precious memory.

Damn those perfect purple eyes of his.

I glanced around me, but everyone was on the dancefloor, too absorbed in the music and the moment to realize that the object of their continuing obsession had slipped out of the room. I sighed, set down my soda, and got down from the bar stool, making a beeline for the door.

Yuki was seated on the curb outside, his left hand fiddling with something beyond the curb and out of sight while the other held his head as he gazed solemnly at the street. I took a deep breath and took a step forward. When I realized the deep breath had done nothing for my fluttering stomach and pounding heart, I stopped again and breathed even deeper. But Yuki had heard my footstep and turned abruptly. I froze, but he spotted me and relaxed.

"Hello, Machi." He greeted, his voice still heavy but his tone welcoming.

I stood there, staring at him for a long moment, then almost decided to change my mind. But instead I asked quietly if I could join him. He forced for me a small smile.

"Of course." I stepped forward and seated myself quietly beside him. Suddenly I was sure I heard something squeak, and as I leaned around Yuki to glanced at his left hand, I could have sworn I saw a street rat disappear into the sewer.

"Why aren't you in there enjoying the party, Machi?" Yuki asked, resting his elbows on his folded knees and glancing at me.

I tried not to look into his eyes and instead gazed absently at his fiddling hands. Unable to find anything I thought was very necissary to say, I shrugged. "Something was wrong."

Yuki cocked his head. "Did the karaoke machine break?"

I risked a sideways glance at him. "With you."

His expression grew a bit darker, but he pasted on a small smile, making my heart wrench again. He was going to hide from me, too. "You ought to be enjoying the party, Machi, not missing out on my behalf. Why don't you go have fun?"

I paused for a moment. "I don't dance, anyway."

Yuki chuckled despite himself. "Neither do I."

I risked a glance again, finding his lavender eyes still on me. "But that's not why you left."

When my eyes left him again, afraid I would stare into his too long, I continued to feel him watching me. "I'll be fine, really, Machi. Don't worry about me."

I wished so badly that he would not paste that mask on with me that he had kept so effectively for the council. I was silent for a long time, then I glanced again at him. "It's Tohru, isn't it?"

A shadow came over his face, and his gentle, forced smile faded. He was quiet for a long, long, **long** time, then he finally sighed. "Why do you want to know?" It wasn't defensive, it was just tired, heavy, sad.

I couldn't find words for several moments, so I shrugged.

Yuki continued to let the silence stretch, then asked quietly, "Why do you care?"

Why did I care? _Why_ did I _care_? As if I ever expected _him_ to be asking _me_ that question, as if I hadn't wondered every day why he bothered to even talk to me, as if he were the lowly treasurer that no one saw and I the president of student council and the object of the entire school's affection. How did I answer this when everything in me wanted to scream the question back at him? Everything in me snapped. "I don't know, Souri-san." I stiffened and rose to my feet, pacing the street regardless of the possibility of traffic. "Why did you care enough to get me a leaf when I told you I didn't want any souenirs? Why did you care enough to clip me a rose for the end of the season? I mean... Souri-san, I know I'm pretty much terrible at everything I do, and I'm certainly not anywhere near cut out for this heart-to-heart, trying-to-make-you-feel-better thing. I'm no psychiatrist, I'm not even that good at being a person..." I stopped rambling for a moment to halt my frustrated pacing and glance at Yuki. He was silently watching me, shocked, speechless. I realized I had probably just now said more to him in one breath than I ever had yet in one of our conversations. Not to mention I must have looked like a raving idiot.

I sat down again and buried my head in my arms, resting my arms on my knees. I had just embarassed to hell out of myself in front of the one boy that made my head spin.

I could go crawl in a hole anytime...

Yuki stared at me for longer than I ever cared to be stared at for my entire lifetime. I just sat there, in utter embarassment, wishing I hadn't followed Yuki out the door, hadn't lost my temper, hadn't harbored such ridiculously strong feelings for him...

"Machi..." Yuki said at last. I couldn't draw any sign of what was to come from his voice, so I waited for him to gather his thoughts. He finally continued, "Could you do me a favor?"

Go eat vomit-flavored riceballs? Go dunk my head in a bin of ice? Go die in a hole? "What?"

Yuki smiled. A real, genuine, completely unforced smile. A smile I once saw him give Tohru. Yuki Sohma was _smiling_ at me. "Don't call me Souri-san. Yuki sounds just fine."

I don't think I stopped blinking at him for near five minutes. When my mind finally stopped spinning from shock, I realized three things.

1) I was still alive. (That hole had sounded so good, too...)

2) Yuki was still smiling at me.

3) Yuki had asked me to call him by the same name he let Tohru call him.

I never called him Souri-san again.

At that moment I realized that my turn had come to take a deep breath, look around, and swallow my pride for long enough to accept what I saw.

So as I took that breath, I remember thinking how short every other breath I had ever taken in my life seemed in comparison, how shallow and pointless those grasps for air had been. It was his smile that made me breathe for the first time. That smile that he had let blanket his entire face, to the point where it touched his eyes and made them sparkle, softening his entire expression. When I looked around I still saw a pointless party, goofy friends, and a boy that made my heart flutter that I still thought I would never have. But when I swallowed that pride I found what I had really put aside was my fear. I had long accepted that nothing in life lasts, but I lived in fear of the darker meaning of that statement coming true. That everything good in my life would disappear just as everything else eventually did, and that I would be left struggling to start over. And while I still believed that the good things in life would come to an end, too, I found myself for the first time willing to accept those things into my life in the first place instead of watching them pass by. I realized I wanted more than anything to enjoy those good things without fear or worry of them disappearing, and to trust time enough that when it came to take those things away, I'd be willing to send them off.

* * *

I softly flipped through the leathery pages of my favorite scrapbook, gazing mistily at the pictures capturing smiles and silly gestures made by those I treasured having in my life. There was a photograph of Tohru in the school garden, laughing as she fingered a morning glory. There were several pictures from the Student Council's final meeting, where most of the time we merely goofed off rather than do work for no reason. Two entire pages were littered in pictures from the last day of school, Tohru posing with many of her friends she had introduced to me. Kyo Sohma, Arisa Uotani, Saki Hanajima, Momiji Sohma, Hatsuharu Sohma, and so many others. It was like walking through a garden of memories, revisiting this scrapbook. 

I gently turned the page.

In between the final two pages of the scrapbook I found the still-perfect form of a soft red rose. I picked it up tenderly by the stem, handling it carefully as all the moisture had left it now. In the dim light of my room it faintly glowed still with the memory it held, and I let myself close my eyes and take in the sweet scent that still blessed the tender petals.

My doorbell rang.

Placing the rose back in between the pages, I closed my scrap book and grabbed for my coat as I headed for the door.

"I'll be right out." I told Yuki as I slipped my arm into my lavender ski jacket. Yuki smiled and I ducked behind the door again to reach for my gloves. When they were on, I grabbed my lunch and my tote bag and told my mom I was leaving, then slipped out into the cold January air.

"It's pretty cold today. Stay close." Yuki warned me as the sharp cold set in. I breathed out as the bitter morning wind hit me and slid through the guard on my jacket, and I shivered. Yuki caught my hand and touched his lips to my gloved fingers. "Told you."

"Don't be so smug." I told him, pressing closer to him as we picked our way around the ice on the sidewalk. "Let's walk quickly."

I still believe nothing in life lasts forever. I still feel like every laugh I share with someone will subside, every smile will fade, every happy moment will eventually slip away to become just another fond memory. I still believe we have to move on from our memories, need to move on so we don't become trapped in them. The bad, _and_ the good.

How Yuki Sohma and I fell in love is mere details. How I came to be walking down this sidewalk, kicking frozen snow around as we walked and chatted about school, student council, and homework, holding hands and sharing each other's company so fondly doesn't matter. I could explain how Yuki had told me of the night he realized Tohru was in love in Kyo, how he had struggled with the shock and pain, how he had realized that all along, _I_ had been the one silently and accidentally making him fall in love with me. I could describe every last detail of every date, every happy moment I saw come and go since Yuki told me he loved me. But it wouldn't matter.

I still feel like I'll be fighting every day, rising with happiness and falling with failure. I still feel like any happiness I feel will merely be fleeting and I'll be struggling every day to make it come back. I still believe everything in life is temporary.

But I realized the start of something new. Part of the reason I had been so afraid to let myself love Yuki was because like all things in life, I was certain he would be by my side only for now. That something in my life would eventually separate our paths, and I'd be left to wander alone once again, struggling to set the pieces straight enough to continue onward. But then I realized that while loving Yuki Sohma was a good thing, it was not a good _thing_. In simpler terms, it wasn't one of those checklist items that eventually fade from the screen when it's time for them to go. It was more like a second column. Yuki would bring an entirely new world of good and bad things to spring up for a while, a whole new category in which tragedies and wonders would never cease to pop up, staying a while before they became distant memories, too. We would fight, I knew. We would disagree. We'd hit such roadblocks in our paths that we wouldn't know how to go on, and we'd share such wonderful moments that we would wish they would never end. Everything in our relationship, like everything in our lives, would be for now, a moment shared in time that wouldn't return to us in the future.

In other words, I truly felt that the things _in_ our relationship were the things meant to last a little while. Not the relationship itself.

"Do you want a kiss good-bye?" Yuki teased me quietly. We had reached the school and my class was in the opposite direction as Yuki's. I looked up at him and saw a familiar sparkle in his eyes. I let a small smile play at my lips.

"You know you ask me that every day, right?"

He paused a moment. "Is that a yes?"

I smiled. "That's a yes."

Then I felt his arms wrap around me, his hand resting on my cheek as he softly kissed my lips, making my heart flutter and burst with joy. I let myself close my eyes and rest one gloved hand on his chest, the other on his arm. I felt the familiar feeling that I wanted nothing else in the world but to be able to feel the way I did right then forever.

We eased back, he stroked my cheek, then we bid each other good-bye.

Like the spring rose, I knew I could not keep the soft beauty of a happy memory forever. It would eventually curl up and die like every other present event in my life, becoming a happy thought only able to be visited from a distance. But like the rose, memories, unlike current events, could be kept, remembered, left with us whether we choose to re-visit them or not. Like the rose, I could preserve these memories, and maybe once that good day has passed and the storm clouds of the gloom to come start rolling in, I could open that scrapbook in my mind and remember the wonders of being happy, even as my life tumbled in a storm of sorrow. No, the good things in life would not last, and no, the freshness and the vitality of the rose would not last forever. But even as the pressed flower becomes dryer and dryer, more and more distant from how it once was, it will still contain that memory of how things once were, available for a quiet thought one day to turn to it and remember the joy it brought. Happy moments would not last forever, but that was what memories were for.

Yuki and I are another set of ups and downs reminding me that nothing lasts in life, that everything, bad or good, is only for now. He is a reminder that life goes on, full of surprises, both wonderful and terrible. That while I will always be a little bit unsatisfied, that while I may go around a little bit empty from one thing or another, all it takes is a deep breath, a hard swallow, and a few compromises here or there. Life would rear its ugly face, and I would have to face it when it did. No matter how much it hurt to do so.

I would accept that which I could never hope to avoid. And I would watch those happy moments swiftly leave me to form distant memories, never to return quite as sharp as they once were. I would let life be the way it was meant to be.

For now.

* * *

**A/N**: Yay that makes TWO (count 'em) TWO finished. Well that might not matter if I sucked. But review me and I'll know for sure! I like reviews! Even flames are welcome (they make for a great primitive ritual). 


End file.
